When Barry met Larry

I used to work for a large firm with offices in many cities. The namesakes of the firm and the head office were in New York. The namesakes would come around to the other offices from time to time and it was a fairly big deal. In addition to being namesakes of the firm, they were as close to being celebrities as you can get in our line of work. I'm sure if you watched a week of the Discovery Channel, you'd be sure to see one of them at least once on a show as an expert. Although they had reached this "status", they remained some of the most personable people you could work for (as you shall soon learn). Although their company employed hundreds of people, they were not hesitant to talked to those unknown to them. Their approachability also took the edge off any hesitation to approach them because of their celebrity.

The firm grew fast in the time I was there. In our office we increased from 35 to over 100 in three years. It was quite dynamic to have so many new people and there were some very interesting characters among them. Larry Green was one of those characters. Larry was a happy fellow and he was very friendly. So friendly that it got annoying at times. He was someone always interested in what was going on, but at times going too far or hanging on your arm too much. He meant well and had a good heart, so for many of us that was enough to overlook the less than positive points.

So one day I went to the bathroom. As I was using one of the urinals, I heard a cellphone go off in one of the stalls. As was habit among the busy higher-ups, the phone was answered. A few words into his short phone conversation, I realized it was Barry Hansen, one of the namesakes. He finished his call and moments later I hear from the adjacent stall "Hello, Mr Hansen. We haven't met, but my name is Larry Green and I work here for you." Barry replied quite happily without a hint of annoyance "Well I'm glad to meet you Larry, I'm Barry Hansen." To which Larry came back with "I'd shake your hand but..." Barry had an equally playful reply that I can't remember because I was so stunned. There was a bit more back and forth, but I hurriedly washed my hands to escape this bizarre lovefest. I walked out the door but held it open enough to see them both exit their stalls and cheerfully shake hands before washing them.

It was definitely the oddest moment of my 9 to 5 career.

... you know.

Some excerpts from the President's press conference today:

"The speaker's strong statements have made it clear to not only, you know, the party members, but to the country, that he wants to find out the facts,'' Bush said at his press conference outside the Oval Office. "All of us want to find out the facts. I mean, this is — you know, this is disgusting behavior when a — you know, a member of Congress betrays the trust of a… family that sent a young page up to serve in the Congress."

"He's… done a fine job as speaker, and when he stands up and says 'I want to know the truth'… and I believe yesterday he said that if somebody on his staff, you know, didn't tell him the truth, they're gone. I respect that and appreciate that and believe him.''

"I think the elections will be decided by security and the economy. I really do,'' the president said. "You know, I know this…Foley issue bothers a lot of people, including me. But I think when they get in that booth, they're going to be thinking about, you know, how best to secure the country from attack, and, you know, how best to keep the economy growing.''

"We've got to deal with these problems before they come to…our territory… You know, I understand that some are saying, 'Well, he's just trying to scare us.' My job is to look at the intelligence… and I'm going to tell you, there's an enemy out there that would like to do harm again to the United States because we're in a war.''

You would think after six years as president he would have a better way to pause. You know.

Tucksen

Our car now has 225,000 km (140,000 miles) on it. And over the summer we had quite a few repairs done on it. We are hoping to stretch it until next summer, but in the possibility that it doesn't make it, we have been casually researching what new cars are available and what meets our needs. So we have been checking out all the other cars on the road and making mental notes.

Well, the other day a kinda cute thing happened. I got home and my wife says "Hey, I saw this one car that looked pretty nice. It's called a 'Tucksen'." I was kinda surprised that I hadn't heard of it before since I had already looked at pretty much every car in our price range available in Quebec. She continued "Yeah, it's a Hyundai I think." Then I figured it out. It was the Hyundai Tucson.

I still kid her about it, but it's true that Too-san is an odd way to pronounce Tuc son. So now it has become another pet name that I have given various vehicles and car lines. Here are some others:

Jag you are
Merk eh deeze (I just like pronouncing it different)
Innie (as in belly button)
Sexless
Fix Or Repair Daily
Doo doo scooper
Horde Extorter
Sneeze on Entrails

I also say life is more exciting everytime I see a Montana and pronounce Pacifica with a Catalan lisp. Yes, I can get pretty dorky sometimes.

Do you have any others?

It's a Pump.

I came across this article on the CNN website.

A man was travelling to Iran with his mother. He was stopped at the security checkpoint after security guards found an object that resembled a grenade. Not wanting his mother to learn of the object he had brought in his carry-on, he whispered to the security guard "It's a pump." The guard mistakenly heard "It's a bomb." He is now facing disorderly conduct.

The object he had brought with him was a penis pump that he desperately did not want his mother to learn about. Despite his reluctance to reveal it to his mother he feels it is not an unusual object to own. "It's normal. Half of America they use it."

The Wife Voice

I have now been working 9 to 5 (or 8 to 8, 8 to 12, etc) for a decade. One aspect of life in the office that I have found funny is how many guys talk differently to their wifes.

Most everyone has their business voice. Quite straight to the point with occasional playfulness if there is a good relationship. Then many have their friend voice which much more relaxed and playful.

Now the wife voice runs generally runs between two levels. On one level, it is very similar to the friend voice, but maybe more relaxed and familiar. I'm pretty sure that's how I am. Even this is a departure from the normal business phone voice and can be recognized. The other level that I have seen is very lovey-dubey and bordering on pillow talk. The pet names like "my little dove" and "snookums" come out. It has thrown me the few times I've heard it. I don't have a problem with it, but I do find it a bit amusing.

Which brings me to a guy I used to sit next to. It was a very very cramped office. We were a rapidly growing office so people were shoehorned into closets. There were four of us in a office meant for one manager (about 10ft x 10ft). My office-mate was a bit of a know-it-all. Someone who would always correct you if you said something not encyclopedia-correct. The guy you would go to have a complex concept explained, but you would have to save an afternoon of time for the explanation with a triple expresso handy. And on three separate occasions he bored me to sleep about his favorite band, who he said were musically superior to every other band out there except maybe Pink Floyd. Something about simultaneous chord progressions.

Now, he would always talk to his wife in a monotone business voice. We sat so close there was no hiding conversations. So since he wasn't telling a client that they were doing everything wrong, I knew it must be his wife. Well quite often he would have 'discussions' with her that got semi-heated. One day they were having one of these discussions and I tried to ignore it by concentrating on my work. After a while he had stopped talking and I could hear her still going on the other end, then I heard a very gentle *click*. I couldn't believe it. He just gave up trying to prove his point and hung up on her. It was partly the act of the super sensitive hang up, but also who was doing it. I don't know how big of a dog house he was in when he got home, but they were still together when he was let go three years later.

Signs

While in Chicago we encountered two signs I found pretty funny.

This first one we saw while going to pick up the car from the mechanic.Maybe it's just me but I don't think the fish and chicken are very happy after being beheaded and deep fried. Not to mention the Cat Steak.

The second was when we first went to take the car to the mechanic.
I busted out laughing when I saw this. Is it just me or does Gina have something other than Italian ice on her mind. Look at the combination of the tall Italian ice and the two lemons and tell me what you see.

Um... OK...

You got him,... but why did you frame the picture? It looks like an item at an auction up for bid or something to put over the fireplace.

Stock Photography - Too Funny!

The other day I was flipping through the local daily magazine that they pass out in the Metro and came across the following ad looking for medical testing participants:I looked at it, chuckled, and a wide smile grew on my face. I had seen a picture of those two before a couple years ago, but they were not smiling. I got home and consulted one of my Onion books and confirmed my suspicions with the following article:
I'm still chuckling. It is just too funny that the pharmaceutical company chose a photo from the same set of stock photographs.

My Beaujolais Nouveau Story

This morning French wine lovers are waking up with a hangover. Last night at one minute past midnight the newest batch of wine from Burgundy's Beaujolais region was released. Around the world people hold Beaujolais Nouveau parties to celebrate the occasion. And to start the festivities the celebrant yells out 'Le Beaujolais Nouveau est arrivé!' ('The New Beaujolais has arrived!')

This leads to my Beaujolais Nouveau story. Everytime I hear the word 'Beaujolais' this is what comes to mind. Ten years ago (it's been that long already?) I spent my second stint living in France. This time, as with the first, I got by without a visa. Instead I stayed in the country by doing back to back 3-month tourist visas by leaving the country every three months. Nobody really checked, but I didn't want to chance it. And it gave me a chance to travel a bit.

It was getting around the time that my previous 3-month visa was up and I needed to leave the country. The school, where my fiancée at the time was finishing up her studies, advertised a weekend bus trip to London. So I signed up. The night of the bus departure the guy (Guy) who rans the school cafet (café) decided to have a little Beaujolais Nouveau party. He served bad Beaujolais and the school horn band came and played. There was quite a bit of merriment with swing dancing, drinking, and French hors d'oeuvres.

It came time to leave and as those of us who were leaving went down to the bus I noticed that most of the others were first or second year students. Most were away from home the first time and they were very inebriated. As the bus took off everyone was singing, laughing, making loud comments... Suddenly from the back of the bus someone starts screaming 'UN SAC!! UN SAC!!!' Almost instantaneously there was that distinctive human roar and a loud splashing sound as the aisle filled up with semi-digested wine and party snacks. With that, a very astute student jumps up and screams 'Le Beaujolais Nouveau est Arrive!!!'